Cambo, perhaps you could mod your toilet with fz8 parts into "hands-free 800cc ass-wiper"?
Here's an inspiration on how to get it done. Make sure to cover the rear wheel with plush toilet paper first.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjlt1T7QTwQ]Girl Falls Off Motorcycle And Gets Stuck On The Tire - YouTube[/ame]